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A Comparison of Programming Languages
To: CRTech <crtech@crtech.org>
Subject: A Comparison of Programming Languages
From: Michael Barnes <barnmichael@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, 28 May 2018 09:37:09 -0700
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Most of us who deal in computers get involved with some kind of programming at one point or another. As a holiday, it should be a slow day, so I thought I would help you pass the time.




C You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++ You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes; then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling routine.

LISP You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

scheme You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

COBOL USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG. Foot, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

BASIC Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual BASIC You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

FORTH Foot yourself shoot.

APL You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened; then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Modula-2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Ada If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

Algol You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

Assembly You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

HyperTalk Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Smalltalk You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

PL/I You consume all available system resources, including all the off-line bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.

Prolog You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.

SNOBOL You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

foot. c foot. h foot. o toe. c toe. o
$ rm *.o
rm: o: No such file or directory

sh, csh... You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in foot, your users can, too.

DBase You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

dBase IV version 1.0 You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

CLIPPER You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail REAL SOON NOW.

DOS (all versions) You finally found the gun, but can't locate the file with the foot for the life of you.

SQL You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.

Apple System 7 Double click the gun icon and a window giving a selection for guns, target areas, plus balloon help with medical remedies, and assorted sound effects. Click shoot button and small bomb appears with note "Error of type I has occurred."

English You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

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